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Jokes
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Jokes
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes
100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%..
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
What makes up 100% in life?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!!!
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No brains
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion
about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to
reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor
granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?"
Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
(...The student received an "A" in the class.)
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Try this, its actually quite good. But don't cheat!
Quickly read through the following text and count the number of F's in it.
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
Managed it?
Scroll down only after you have counted them!
>
>>
>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>
>
OK?
How many?
Three?
Wrong, there are six - no joke! Read again!
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
The reasoning is that the brain cannot process the word "OF".
Incredible or what?
Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius. Three is normal.
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What A Woman/Man Really Means
What a woman says, what she really means...
I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!
What a man says, what he really means...
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = and it doesn't even look different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!
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Shoot Wife
(Man A) I say old chap, you`ve just shot my wife!
(Man B) Oh dear, here have a shot at mine
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Wishing Well
A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns. The guy says, "Wow, it really works."
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Who is Jack Schitt?
Many people are at a loss for a response when
someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt".
Now, you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.
Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the
deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie
Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt,
Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high
school dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe
divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and
because her kids were living with them, she wanted
to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a
cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and
Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood
and consequently, married the Happens brothers in
dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and
Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to
tour the world. He recently returned with his new
bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack
Schitt, you can correct them.
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GOOD * BAD * WORSE
Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no."
Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art.
Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.
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Actual Fast Food Job Application
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment........
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: ,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Gemini
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A DOG NAMED SEX
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
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A duck walks into a bar and asks,"Excuse me, sir, do you have any grapes?"
"WHAT?" The bartender says,"This is a BAR we serve ALCOHOL! What are you doing here anyway, you're just a duck!"
So the duck leaves. But the next day he is back. "Do you have any grapes?" he asks.
"What are you talking about? I already said we DON'T HAVE GRAPES HERE! Just beer! Get the hell out you stupid duck!"
So the duck leaves, but the next day, he is back up on the barstool!
"Do you have any grapes?" the duck asks.
"OK! I've had enough of you! If you come back here ONE MORE TIME I WILL NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!!" the bartender screams.
So the duck leaves. And suprisingly, the next day he is back again.
"What are YOU doing here?" the bartender asks.
"Do you have any nails?" says the duck.
"No..."
"Do you have any grapes?"
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OOPS
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
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Uh oh
The man was not feeling well, so he went to a doctor to get a complete checkup. "I'm afarid I have some bad news," the doctor told him. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Thats terrible," the man said. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor said.
"Ten doc?" the man asked. "Ten what? Ten years? Ten months, Ten weeks?"
The doctor looked at his watch, shook his head and said, "Nine, eight...."
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EXCELLENT CYBER!!!
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known
as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below,
one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online
chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of Cybersex.
Then again, maybe he does....
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and
high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect.
My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and
I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart.
I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on
it from dinner. It smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on
the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up
into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and
begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.
My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it
off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.
The cool silk slides off my warm skin.
I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally
rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung:I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra.
My soft breasts are rising and falling,
as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.
I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly...
I'm reaching back undoing the clasp.
The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts.
My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and
inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby.
I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair.
Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered
with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with
the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you.
I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman.
Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties!
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going
all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat.
I'm choking!
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly.
I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup.
Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the
cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom.
Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning.
I want you so badly
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our
naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face.
It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them.
I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly
across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover!
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around
for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush
handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your
laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now,
blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...
in your... you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I
kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't
stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around,
an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener
is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting
on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night
table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking
over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse.
Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God!
One of our candles fell on the curtain.
The curtain is on fire!
I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo!
Sweetheart: Bye!!!
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There was life before the computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut--you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
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She was so blonde that...
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
---------------------------------------------------
Top 20 Ways to scare people in a computer lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream: "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the dang thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5 Bring a chain saw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
6. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
7. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
8. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
9. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
10. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
11. Keep looking at invisible bugs and try to swat them.
12. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
13. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
14. Ask around for a spare disk. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
15. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
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Top 10 Things Not to Say to a Woman During an Argument
1. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
2. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
3. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
4. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
5. You are so cute when you get mad.
6. You're just upset because your bottom is beginning to spread.
7. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
8. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
9. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
10.Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
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9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their ass!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No loser, I paid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus had already come would I be standing here, dumbass?
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Tongue Twisters
A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies
I saw a saw that could out saw any other saw I ever saw.
Black bug bit a big black bear. But where is the big black bear that the big black bug bit?
Betty Botter bought some butter but she said "This butter's bitter! If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter. But a bit of better butter, that will make my batter better." So she bought a bit of butter better than her bitter butter, and she put it in her batter, and her batter was not bitter. So 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.
A big bug bit the little beetle but the little beetle bit the big bug back.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
How do I understand that you understand? Understand!
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.
Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"
Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to Mr Outside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit. And on a slitted sheet I sit. I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit. The sheet I slit, that sheet was it.
A skunk sat on a stump. The stump thought the skunk stunk. the skunk thought the stump stunk . What stunk the skunk or the stump?
A tutor who tooted the flute, tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, 'Is it harder to toot or to tutor two tooters to toot?
If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
Ed Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not. So it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some say Nott was not shot. But Shott says he shot Nott.Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, the shot was Shott, not Nott. However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott - but Nott.So, Ed Nott was shot and that's hot! Is it not?
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MORE JOKES COMING SOON!!!
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